Russian Roulette

1 December 2019

 

Vice President Ronald Marzoli

Daiwa Health Development

1411 W 190th Street #375

Gardena, CA  90248

 

Dear Mr. Marzoli:

 

I hope this message finds you well.  It must be nice in California this time of year.  If there were a way to combine Southern California with the ritual of a White Christmas every year, that would be cool.

 

I am writing to you today because you won a lottery of sorts.  Whole Foods Magazine honored Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as their “Person of the Year”.  Millions of us were offended by this. We wrote all the names of all the magazine’s advertisers on pieces of paper.  We put them in a hat. We selected one and you were the winner. Yay.

 

Why do we hate Mitch McConnell??  That could take 5 pages. Let me summarize.  He seems to be influenced by Moscow. He has fixed seats on the Supreme Court.  He is blocking meaningful firearms and election security legislation. 400 bills passed by the House have not been heard in the Senate.  If it were not for United States Attorney General William Barr, he would be the most hated man in the nation. 

 

You chose to advertise in a magazine that honored this human.  Please relax: we do not hate you, however, we must teach you a lesson.  When you advertise in a magazine like this one, you are truly playing Russian Roulette.  The same thing happens to companies who decide to put their headquarters in red states. The decision makes sense based on who you want to attract but the magazine could so something really stupid.  In the companies’ case, the local state government could do something really stupid.

 

If we hated you, we would try to negatively affect revenues and disrupt your efforts.  We just want to be pains in the ass to the level where you reconsider your relationship with the magazine.  We are not “demanding you end the relationship” because, to be quite honest, until the announcement we do not know the magazine existed.

 

We are going to file a couple of things and cause aggravation.  Kindly tell the rest of Whole Food Magazine’s advertisers about your experience.  At least this way if anything strange happens, you need not question where it came from.  It was us.

 

Lastly, we will do everything we can to make it clear that this activity has nothing to do with any of your products.  In fact, while researching you after you won the lottery, some of the folks involved in our merry band of pranksters thought some of your offerings to be worthy of further investigation.  Please keep up the good work.  

 

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Robert T. Oliveira

315-864-1229